Day 34: Some People Have Real Problems

Extending this experiment has proven to be a lot more difficult than I imagined. The last few days I have felt like an emotional wreck! Blemishes seemed like they were popping up everywhere all over again and I could feel a few deep, painful cysts brewing. I got so freaked out by this that I let it take over me. Remember, when you can't see things you try to imagine what they look like. For example, when a large part of my cheek was feeling sore, I imagined that must mean there is a HUGE cyst there. I began to try desperately to "look without looking" using the reflections on my framed art on the walls. Long story short, I began to make myself obsessive and depressed all over again.

So here's the reality:

I have a few spots on my face.

...and then I started my period yesterday. (Sorry if you're weird and think typing this into a blog is somehow "inappropriate." It is part of a woman's life and it actually explains a lot of the madness that went on Day 31-33.)

After days of bursting into tears out of nowhere, I believe God brought something to my attention last night. When I was dealing with the perioral dermatitis, I said something out loud more than once. I said, "If I ever get rid of this thing, next time I get a big zit, I'm gonna thank God for that zit." So it happened, and what am I doing? Crying like a baby as if 2-3 zits are the end of the world! This thought made me realize a very interesting truth about the human experience: We tend to view our world from the perspective of ourselves at this very moment. In other words, all we know is that this moment is our reality and we tend to focus on anything that is directly effecting us right now rather than see "the big picture." I mean, why is it so hard for me to remember how much worse everything was when I started, and choose to focus on the improvement that has been made? Why would I expect PERFECTION in just one short month? Why would I ever expect PERFECTION?

Let's take this further: I got into a conversation last night with a woman who is helping a nonprofit start-up for youths. She told me that this organization went to Tanzania last year to help unite youths and their communities by teaching the youths to solve problems themselves in order to build confidence and later become productive members of their societies. Guess what problem the youths in Tanzania chose to work on?

They wanted to help provide poverty-stricken families with clean drinking water.

Wait, what?

That's right, they just want water. So they can survive.

Meanwhile, Kylie's over here crying over a few bumps on her face that will probably last a week or two tops. Wow, BIG PROBLEM.

So to close this post, I'd like to introduce you to Evan Ruggiero: (Ironically, someone I saw on Ellen this week when I was wallowing in self-pity.)



So maybe everytime my spots feel sore I should think of Evan... or the kids in Tanzania... or at least of something I'm grateful for. There just has to be a way to broaden my awareness away from just my one issue at this very moment.

Day 30: "The Fear"

As I come to the end of Day 30, I'm struck by a rather interesting realization:

Although I'm rather curious, I don't think I'm ready to look into a mirror tomorrow.

It might sound a little dramatic, but I don't know if I'm strong enough to see myself without regressing into my obsessive ways. I want to keep doing everything I can to keep my focus off of it and maybe there's a chance I can truly free myself from all of that.

Tracy (of The Love Vitamin) often speaks in her blog about having "fear" about acne. I think I'm in that same boat. I know that my husband has told me it has improved, but I constantly have this fearful anxiety that the worst of my acne bouts will return or that I'll suddenly get another perioral dermatitis breakout again. Plus, I know that the theory behind the caveman regimen is that your skin can regenerate itself during those 30 days, but I've read about people not seeing their best results until the 1 1/2 - 3 month marks. I happened to run my fingers over the skin next to my mouth today and I can feel a few clusters of small bumps and I don't want seeing them to make me think the project has been worthless. In fact, I think I'll do something that's the complete opposite.

I want to go back to not being so aware of my face. I think during my first week or so I did so much better than I have in the last 2 weeks. I think taking a more extreme approach like I had in the beginning of all this will really help me take the focus off my appearance again. I've got to try and keep from asking my husband what I look like a billion times a day, and I think I've been tempting myself too much by using the reflections in our picture frames. It's fine to look real quick from afar and flash myself a smile, but I think it has been getting a little closer and a little longer each time to where I'm so tempted to run to the bathroom, rip off my poster boards and get about one inch from the mirror to judge it all up-close. I just have to give this more time and up the ante.

That's right, I've made the decision to add a minimum of 2 more weeks of no-mirror time!

I'll still use a little water and my fingers to remove most of my "dead skin mask" tomorrow morning, but I don't think I need to use a mirror for that. I'll just do it and then go back to the original no-wash, no-mirror regimen for another 2 weeks.

Wish me luck. :-)