Day 45: The Darkness Does Not Overcome The Light

Yesterday, I took down the poster boards on my mirrors and waited for my husband to get home so that he could hug me while I looked at myself for the first time in 6 weeks. The experience has been jarring. I have a lot of hyperpigmentation marks in the area around my smile-lines and I swear when I first saw myself I thought I might faint. I've never had so many marks at one time and it honestly felt shocking and humiliating.

However, my husband and I got to talking and, as he assured me that things have definitely been improving, I realized something: Maybe shock and humility aren't negative things. I realized that I still desire to be perfect and pretty more than I'm desiring more important things. This is my problem. I cannot be who God made me to be if I desire superficial things more than I'm desiring to be a vessel for Him.

So this morning I got up and had to relive the shock once again in my bathroom mirror. A big part of me wants to start looking up home remedies for how to fade dark marks from acne and work to do all the restoration work myself. However, the actual active acne I have on my face is very minimal and not at all severe. I basically have 2-3 whiteheads and a bump underneath the skin that has been slowly going away for about a week. The rest is just uneven tone. Feeling scared and hopeless at the state that I'm in, I knew the only way I could keep going, knowing now what I actually look like, would be to fully rely on God.

I sat down with my morning smoothie and decided to catch up on some of our church's sermons that I had missed when we went to visit family in California. This sermon is the one I heard this morning. Honestly, I listened and made notes in my book during most of the message, but when I got toward the very end, something profound hit me:

God wants to restore me to the Light.

All of these fears and anxieties are just the darkness of the world. I am living in a dark, sinful place, but I am of the Light and I have to choose to be of the Light every day. God has made me the way I am for a purpose and a calling. He can use me today, no matter what I look like, to serve His purpose in restoring the world. I don't need to be afraid, anxious, or fearful of if I'll ever free myself from my "little skin problem;" I just need to really believe that He's got it under control. Just because I haven't seen the kind of improvement I've expected on my own timeline, doesn't mean God isn't working on me.

It is scary to realize what your true idol is, and yesterday I realized that my true idol has been the desire for perfect skin. I have put all of my time and energy into achieving that goal rather than giving it fully to a God that can do anything. I want it so bad that I'm waiting to get it before I feel I can really be used by God.

So I got down on my knees.

And I cried long and hard about the darkness that I've allowed to live inside of me.

I spoke to my God with real honesty and brokenness and a truly humbled heart.

I asked Him to forgive me for making such a superficial thing my idol and I asked for Him to use me just the way I am. I told him I knew I couldn't do it on my own and I prayed for the strength to be a part of His mission on earth and not my own. I want to be part of the restoration of the world and let God take over the restoration of my body.

He told me to rest and relax. He told me to share His message. He told me to stop being afraid.

This experiment has been the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, but I also think it has been the biggest learning experience. Only from true brokenness can restoration take place, and I have to believe that God is making me new on His timeline and not my own. I have to believe that there is something useful about my pain and brokenness today. I have to believe I am exactly what He made me to be and I have to let go of the need to be perfect.

Besides, when God sees me, He sees the perfection of Jesus, not the many imperfections of Kylie. So today I pray that I will walk in the restoration and Light of Jesus and not under my own control.

Day 39: Watch What He Can Do

Alright, so last week was probably the hardest week I've ever faced since I started this. However, I've noticed that a lot of deeper issues have come to the surface. I'm realizing that sometimes you have to go through the fire to purge out the bad and learn to focus on the good. These terrible, negative thoughts were only bringing me down and needed to be recognized in order to be healed. Sometimes the hardest thing about healing is admitting the truth of what you believe about yourself before moving forward to change it.

So after surviving Caveman Hell Week, I'd like to share a few lessons God has been teaching me:

-I am not what the world says I am; I am what God says I am.
-I am a beautiful creation of God, just the same as the mountains, flowers, and animals.
-I am forgiven. (...for thinking negatively, for not being grateful for my progress, etc.)
-I am covered by Jesus's righteousness and perfection and, because of Him, I am those things in God's eyes.
-I have a purpose for my life today, not later when "the conditions are right."(God can use me now.)
-I am made in God's image and he doesn't make mistakes.
-A happy girl is a beautiful girl. True beauty comes from real joy, not the appearance of perfection.
-I only need God's acceptance.
-Joy attracts joy; negativity attracts negativity.
-Every day is a new adventure and a new beginning.
-My soul chose my body. If my body is good enough for my soul, it is good enough for me.
-When I start loving my body, it will start loving me back.
-Grateful living is joyous living.
-Don't forget how far you've come.
-Appreciate the freedom from all the "products" and "routines."
-Do all things with a thankful heart. (Clean the house, cook and eat, pay bills, go to work....etc.)


One of my facebook friends posted this video today and it really struck me how beautiful all of creation is.If I'm a part of that, the one part that God chose to breathe his own breath into to create, I should be able to love and appreciate myself just the way I am.

Here's a helpful Joel Osteen sermon that illustrates many of the previous points:


This one is a woman (Teal Scott) I found on YouTube. I really like the point she makes about the healing process here:

(I'm pretty sure I hit a contrast point this past week.)

Next time you think you're beat, take a moment to realize that you're not a mistake. You are here for a purpose and you are exactly the person you were meant to be today.


Thank you to all the "teachers" who have helped God get these messages to me: online, in-person, and otherwise. :)

Day 34: Some People Have Real Problems

Extending this experiment has proven to be a lot more difficult than I imagined. The last few days I have felt like an emotional wreck! Blemishes seemed like they were popping up everywhere all over again and I could feel a few deep, painful cysts brewing. I got so freaked out by this that I let it take over me. Remember, when you can't see things you try to imagine what they look like. For example, when a large part of my cheek was feeling sore, I imagined that must mean there is a HUGE cyst there. I began to try desperately to "look without looking" using the reflections on my framed art on the walls. Long story short, I began to make myself obsessive and depressed all over again.

So here's the reality:

I have a few spots on my face.

...and then I started my period yesterday. (Sorry if you're weird and think typing this into a blog is somehow "inappropriate." It is part of a woman's life and it actually explains a lot of the madness that went on Day 31-33.)

After days of bursting into tears out of nowhere, I believe God brought something to my attention last night. When I was dealing with the perioral dermatitis, I said something out loud more than once. I said, "If I ever get rid of this thing, next time I get a big zit, I'm gonna thank God for that zit." So it happened, and what am I doing? Crying like a baby as if 2-3 zits are the end of the world! This thought made me realize a very interesting truth about the human experience: We tend to view our world from the perspective of ourselves at this very moment. In other words, all we know is that this moment is our reality and we tend to focus on anything that is directly effecting us right now rather than see "the big picture." I mean, why is it so hard for me to remember how much worse everything was when I started, and choose to focus on the improvement that has been made? Why would I expect PERFECTION in just one short month? Why would I ever expect PERFECTION?

Let's take this further: I got into a conversation last night with a woman who is helping a nonprofit start-up for youths. She told me that this organization went to Tanzania last year to help unite youths and their communities by teaching the youths to solve problems themselves in order to build confidence and later become productive members of their societies. Guess what problem the youths in Tanzania chose to work on?

They wanted to help provide poverty-stricken families with clean drinking water.

Wait, what?

That's right, they just want water. So they can survive.

Meanwhile, Kylie's over here crying over a few bumps on her face that will probably last a week or two tops. Wow, BIG PROBLEM.

So to close this post, I'd like to introduce you to Evan Ruggiero: (Ironically, someone I saw on Ellen this week when I was wallowing in self-pity.)



So maybe everytime my spots feel sore I should think of Evan... or the kids in Tanzania... or at least of something I'm grateful for. There just has to be a way to broaden my awareness away from just my one issue at this very moment.

Day 30: "The Fear"

As I come to the end of Day 30, I'm struck by a rather interesting realization:

Although I'm rather curious, I don't think I'm ready to look into a mirror tomorrow.

It might sound a little dramatic, but I don't know if I'm strong enough to see myself without regressing into my obsessive ways. I want to keep doing everything I can to keep my focus off of it and maybe there's a chance I can truly free myself from all of that.

Tracy (of The Love Vitamin) often speaks in her blog about having "fear" about acne. I think I'm in that same boat. I know that my husband has told me it has improved, but I constantly have this fearful anxiety that the worst of my acne bouts will return or that I'll suddenly get another perioral dermatitis breakout again. Plus, I know that the theory behind the caveman regimen is that your skin can regenerate itself during those 30 days, but I've read about people not seeing their best results until the 1 1/2 - 3 month marks. I happened to run my fingers over the skin next to my mouth today and I can feel a few clusters of small bumps and I don't want seeing them to make me think the project has been worthless. In fact, I think I'll do something that's the complete opposite.

I want to go back to not being so aware of my face. I think during my first week or so I did so much better than I have in the last 2 weeks. I think taking a more extreme approach like I had in the beginning of all this will really help me take the focus off my appearance again. I've got to try and keep from asking my husband what I look like a billion times a day, and I think I've been tempting myself too much by using the reflections in our picture frames. It's fine to look real quick from afar and flash myself a smile, but I think it has been getting a little closer and a little longer each time to where I'm so tempted to run to the bathroom, rip off my poster boards and get about one inch from the mirror to judge it all up-close. I just have to give this more time and up the ante.

That's right, I've made the decision to add a minimum of 2 more weeks of no-mirror time!

I'll still use a little water and my fingers to remove most of my "dead skin mask" tomorrow morning, but I don't think I need to use a mirror for that. I'll just do it and then go back to the original no-wash, no-mirror regimen for another 2 weeks.

Wish me luck. :-)

Day 25: No Turning Back

Well, hello Day 25!

With five days left of my experiment, I’m feeling pretty decent. I can’t say that my acne or skin problems are completely gone, (I have a few smaller ones by my mouth, chin and nose area according to my husband) but I’m feeling hopeful. My husband also tells me my breakouts come and go very quickly and aren’t nearly as inflamed as before. In addition to all that, I have definitely developed the “dead skin mask” which, I’m told, is most noticeable in the morning when I wake up. I’m not as bothered by this as I am the little breakouts. I guess that’s mostly because I can’t see them so it is hard to imagine how noticeable or unnoticeable they are.

I will say that, in regards to my no-mirror rule, this has become harder and harder to observe. I blame my curiosity mostly. I find that sometimes when I’m really unsure and need a boost, I allow myself to “cheat” a little. For example, I’ll use dark blurry reflections like those you’d find on the glass of a framed picture and stand far away from them and smile. I can’t see the details of my face, but I can see my happy smile and my eyes and it makes me feel better for some reason. I guess I don’t consider it actual cheating because I can’t examine myself the way I used to. I just find it beneficial to plant an image of myself happy and worry-free in my mind.

My emotional well-being has become a huge part of this experiment and, just like anyone else, I have good days and bad days. On the bad ones, I find myself feeling pretty self-conscious and aware of my face all day. I’ve noticed that I ask my husband a lot more questions about what I look like on those days. I think I’m just looking for a little assurance that it really isn’t terrible. Lucky for me, I also have a lot of lovely friends and family who have said they hardly notice any of my issues until I start pointing them out. On the good days, I continue to feel like I can open my eyes to the world around me without constantly looking inward at myself. I love the freedom of being able to get ready by simply combing through my hair and putting on something comfortable. I haven’t really felt “beautiful” or “sexy” at all during this experiment, but to be completely honest, I haven’t felt that way during the past 5 months. It would be nice to get my confidence back without having to use my makeup as a crutch; and although I’m sure this will take time, I truly believe that I am going to get to a point where I feel good about my true, natural self.

Almost there!!! :)