Day 30: "The Fear"

As I come to the end of Day 30, I'm struck by a rather interesting realization:

Although I'm rather curious, I don't think I'm ready to look into a mirror tomorrow.

It might sound a little dramatic, but I don't know if I'm strong enough to see myself without regressing into my obsessive ways. I want to keep doing everything I can to keep my focus off of it and maybe there's a chance I can truly free myself from all of that.

Tracy (of The Love Vitamin) often speaks in her blog about having "fear" about acne. I think I'm in that same boat. I know that my husband has told me it has improved, but I constantly have this fearful anxiety that the worst of my acne bouts will return or that I'll suddenly get another perioral dermatitis breakout again. Plus, I know that the theory behind the caveman regimen is that your skin can regenerate itself during those 30 days, but I've read about people not seeing their best results until the 1 1/2 - 3 month marks. I happened to run my fingers over the skin next to my mouth today and I can feel a few clusters of small bumps and I don't want seeing them to make me think the project has been worthless. In fact, I think I'll do something that's the complete opposite.

I want to go back to not being so aware of my face. I think during my first week or so I did so much better than I have in the last 2 weeks. I think taking a more extreme approach like I had in the beginning of all this will really help me take the focus off my appearance again. I've got to try and keep from asking my husband what I look like a billion times a day, and I think I've been tempting myself too much by using the reflections in our picture frames. It's fine to look real quick from afar and flash myself a smile, but I think it has been getting a little closer and a little longer each time to where I'm so tempted to run to the bathroom, rip off my poster boards and get about one inch from the mirror to judge it all up-close. I just have to give this more time and up the ante.

That's right, I've made the decision to add a minimum of 2 more weeks of no-mirror time!

I'll still use a little water and my fingers to remove most of my "dead skin mask" tomorrow morning, but I don't think I need to use a mirror for that. I'll just do it and then go back to the original no-wash, no-mirror regimen for another 2 weeks.

Wish me luck. :-)

Day 25: No Turning Back

Well, hello Day 25!

With five days left of my experiment, I’m feeling pretty decent. I can’t say that my acne or skin problems are completely gone, (I have a few smaller ones by my mouth, chin and nose area according to my husband) but I’m feeling hopeful. My husband also tells me my breakouts come and go very quickly and aren’t nearly as inflamed as before. In addition to all that, I have definitely developed the “dead skin mask” which, I’m told, is most noticeable in the morning when I wake up. I’m not as bothered by this as I am the little breakouts. I guess that’s mostly because I can’t see them so it is hard to imagine how noticeable or unnoticeable they are.

I will say that, in regards to my no-mirror rule, this has become harder and harder to observe. I blame my curiosity mostly. I find that sometimes when I’m really unsure and need a boost, I allow myself to “cheat” a little. For example, I’ll use dark blurry reflections like those you’d find on the glass of a framed picture and stand far away from them and smile. I can’t see the details of my face, but I can see my happy smile and my eyes and it makes me feel better for some reason. I guess I don’t consider it actual cheating because I can’t examine myself the way I used to. I just find it beneficial to plant an image of myself happy and worry-free in my mind.

My emotional well-being has become a huge part of this experiment and, just like anyone else, I have good days and bad days. On the bad ones, I find myself feeling pretty self-conscious and aware of my face all day. I’ve noticed that I ask my husband a lot more questions about what I look like on those days. I think I’m just looking for a little assurance that it really isn’t terrible. Lucky for me, I also have a lot of lovely friends and family who have said they hardly notice any of my issues until I start pointing them out. On the good days, I continue to feel like I can open my eyes to the world around me without constantly looking inward at myself. I love the freedom of being able to get ready by simply combing through my hair and putting on something comfortable. I haven’t really felt “beautiful” or “sexy” at all during this experiment, but to be completely honest, I haven’t felt that way during the past 5 months. It would be nice to get my confidence back without having to use my makeup as a crutch; and although I’m sure this will take time, I truly believe that I am going to get to a point where I feel good about my true, natural self.

Almost there!!! :)

Day 17: Learning to Fly

If you fly often, you know what it feels like to take off and land. Next time you fly, try this:

Close your eyes when the airplane is close to landing. Keeping them closed, try to anticipate the moment when the landing gear touches the pavement. You’ll begin to notice even the slightest turbulence in your descent as the plane drops steadily to the ground. You’ll start to think in each moment that the wheels are just about to touch. You’ll think you know exactly where you are and what’s happening, but the reality is you don’t.

I’m becoming strangely familiar with this feeling. I find myself imagining my own reality and living in that version of my life. I feel as if by reaching the halfway point in this journey I’ve somehow reached my peak and now I’m heading into the descent.

It has been 17 days since I’ve looked at myself in a mirror, washed my face, or worn makeup. In some ways, I feel incredibly free. I feel that the notion of my experiment somehow provides me with some sort of explanation to the world as to why I would be running around in a state that is generally considered “unacceptable” by modern standards. In other ways, however, I find myself lost in my own vulnerable state, counting the minutes until I can go home, get in bed and check one more day off the list.

To the experiment’s credit, the actual “regimen” is very easy to follow. When I chose to jump in and trust God, I felt as if I only had to make the decision once. I committed to doing this challenge in several ways. I began telling friends and family about it, which I found made the commitment more solid in my mind. I knew if other people were somehow “in on it,” I would have to make it through the full 30 days. I committed to God by listening to His assurance that this would change me in many ways. I committed to myself because I wanted to believe I could be more than my appearance. From there, I just simply avoided putting anything on my face.

I am able to get out of the house much faster these days and, although it is still often on my mind, I am able to put myself out there at work, church, and other functions and feel the empowerment in it. I am not always comfortable and I’m often wondering what the people I’m talking to are seeing on my face, but I’m slowly finding that I am letting go of it. The truth is, once I’m out, there is no running away to compulsively “throw my face on.” I don’t have that armor anymore and I have to keep going through my day without it. It feels truthful, as if I have been hiding my true self this whole time, disguising the way God actually created me, trying to change and alter the design of a perfect Creator. When I think of it that way, it is hard for my flesh to argue against the Spirit.

So maybe the lesson is just like flying. I’m not a qualified pilot, so I would have no idea how to fly a plane if you threw me in a cockpit. In fact, I’d probably mess quite a few things up trying to figure it out. Instead, I’m sitting in the main cabin with my eyes squeezed closed putting all my trust in the One who’s flying this plane. I can try to figure out where I am, what’s going on, and when I’ll touch ground, but the truth is only my Pilot knows.

The Day 10 Slump

If you've never heard of the "purging period" with acne treatments, you've probably never had real acne. In my case, I find that the purging is the worst during week 2 and, unfortunately, it seems to be the same with The Caveman. I'm not sure if it is this purging period or the fact that the longer I go without the mirror, the more out of control I feel, but the past few days have been pretty rough.

Now that a lot of people know about my experiment, they seem eager to check in with me. This can be nice at times and often makes me feel like I have a great support group around me. However, during the past few days, it gets a little humiliating to have to put your spots out there to the people who basically want to examine your face to see if it is "working." Of course, I try to explain that I believe I'm in a purging stage, but most people don't understand that when they've never had serious acne. Needless to say, going to work this week has been a struggle and I find I'm fighting the urge to look in the mirror more often than before.

Conversely, I'm pretty grateful for the "no-mirror" rule because I can try to tell myself if I'm not seeing it, maybe it isn't there. I know that sounds weird, but I've spent a lot of time this week trying to replace the image in my mind of what I think I really look like. I try to imagine an image of myself completely clear and happy, without a spot to worry over. I've been reading a lot about how emotional health can effect treatment, so I've been trying to come up with smart ways to keep out of my Week 2 Slump as much as I possibly can.

Here are a few ideas I've either come up with or found online:

-read the Bible and pray often to seek God for hope, inspiration and help
-watch a lot of comedy
-smile and laugh as often as possible
-try to talk about other subjects that don't have to do with the experiment
-keep busy with work and home projects to keep my mind off of it
-(probably my favorite) when you feel a really low, stubborn mood, think of something that makes you laugh uncontrollably
Side Note: Once I spilled a water bottle all over myself while I was driving home from a long day. My response was a really slow and awkward, "Ooooh yummy..." as I wiped myself off. For some reason, every time I think of this, I can't help but burst out into laughter.
Yesterday, while in a really stubborn and grumpy mood, I was grabbing some Q-tips to refill my container and my hand hit the inside of the cabinet knocking a big pile of them onto the floor. How did I react? With a really angry, "Ohhh GEEEZ!" I paused for a moment and then repeated it in a squeaky voice like a 12-year-old kid in a 50's movie and began laughing hysterically.

So, in the spirit of laughter, here are some of my favorite YouTube videos:






DISCLAIMER: I know some of these aren't as clean as others, but I believe God has a sense of humor. :)

Welcome to My Purity Pursuit

Hello, Friends.

Welcome to The Anti-Mirror Experiment, home of my own personal pursuit of purity.

Here you'll find blog posts documenting my journey to live as purely as possible.

About 2 months ago, I was in prayer and I felt as though God was leading me to pursue a path of purity. It has taken me a while to really discover what I think this means, but, in a nutshell, it has led me on this path of pursuing purity in every aspect of my life.
For example, after about 8 years, I've stopped taking birth control pills (which is scary for more than one reason), I quit using prescription skin medicines on my face (Differin and Clyndamycin gel), and I've stopped eating foods that make me feel TERRIBLE.
I'm working on deepening my yoga practice, spending more time outside, non-judgmental meditation, waking up and spending time with God in His Word, and trying to learn and follow who I believe God made me to be.

While journeying down this path, I came across a few unsettling side-effects. I developed a facial rash all around my mouth and near my eyes. It looked like bumps underneath red, flaky skin. I later discovered it was something called Perioral Dermatitis, which can be caused my many factors, including hormone changes. I began to think about how unhealthy birth control pills must be for you if they could cause such a reaction so quickly. After about two months of trial and error on several natural options, I finally discovered a routine that seemed to be healing and improving my rash. For about a week, I was so thrilled to watch my nemesis disappear! Manuka honey laced with Neem oil, Cucumber/Aloe Alcohol-free Witch Hazel, and California Baby Sensitive Skin Diaper Rash cream were going to be my new best friends! ...right?
Unfortunately, just as I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, I noticed that everywhere I had treated my rash had begun to develop acne! The oils in my rash treatment had gotten rid of the rash, but clogged my pores and caused the return of that old problem I've been so familiar with. Trying to keep calm, I eliminated the neem oil and diaper rash cream from my routine and hoped for the best.
It has now been about a week and a half and, although I can see a little improvement, I find that I'm still obsessing over healing my face and somehow freeing myself from all of these pesky problems.
Then this morning I had an idea. A while back, while looking up natural alternatives, I discovered a skin routine called the Caveman Regimen. The idea is you don't wash, tone, moisturize, or really do ANYTHING to your face. I had originally planned on trying out this method, but kept thinking I should wait until I felt my skin was more acceptable to bear in public without any makeup. However, I realized this morning that God doesn't want me to do what is easy and comfortable for me at this very moment. This should be about growth... and isn't growth really only possible through some sort of discomfort? I mean, when it comes to God, I feel like He works so well in my life when I've come to a place of faith in Him and brokenness in myself. So I don't want to wait until this is easier or more comfortable because I believe God wants to heal me. I believe He wants to heal my skin, yes, but I also believe He wants to heal my psyche. I believe He wants me to worry about doing His work rather than worry about if all my spots are covered perfectly. If you think about it, isn't that the way humans were made? We weren't supposed to obsess over being as perfect as possible and, for that matter, if I believe in God and the purity of His own design, wouldn't that mean my skin should know how to deal with itself?
Long story short, the discovery of this seemingly-radical skincare routine has led me to believe that this might be the most pure answer I could find! Therefore, I believe a big part of my Purity Pursuit will be dedicated to my journey with the Caveman Regimen.

So here we go with the basics:
-Your skin has something called an "acid mantle" that helps protect and regulate itself. While we may think we are helping ourselves out by using all kinds of skincare "treasures," we are actually stripping off our natural barrier against bacteria and infection.
-Because we have all messed with our faces so much, it is said that your skin can regenerate and balance itself back out after about a month of the Caveman Regimen. So just like anything else, it won't fix everything over night.
-People report something called a "dead skin mask" that develops to protect their faces as the skin strives to re-balance and repair what has been done to it for so long. It is basically a build-up that your skin naturally produces during its efforts to get you back on track.
-Although I've read of people taking on different approaches to this regimen, I've decided that this will include not wearing makeup anymore. It is really scary for a girl who has been using beauty products as a crutch for about 8 years of my life. This video talks a lot about the issues many women have with getting rid of their makeup routines. (Tracy is also the author of the blog where I discovered the Caveman Regimen.)
-Because of my choice to quit with the makeup, I've also decided it would be beneficial if I avoided mirrors during the experiment. My husband and I went out this morning and picked up some black poster board and a notepad of colorful paper and he covered up the bathroom mirrors for me while I thought up inspirational mantras and found verses about courage in the Bible. I then posted them all over the black background to help encourage myself on this journey. I'm sure the board will be completely full by the end of the month. :)

-Lastly, just to clarify, some people do this regimen but still splash their faces with water once or twice a day. I have chosen to follow in Tracy's footsteps and try not to touch water to my face at all during this first 30 days. I want to give my skin the best chance I can to rebuild its acid mantle without any disruptions.

Anyway, I'll be documenting this journey and other pursuits of purity right here for everyone to see! Thank you for stopping by and I hope you find my discoveries enlightening, intriguing, or at least interesting. :) See you soon!