Day 17: Learning to Fly

If you fly often, you know what it feels like to take off and land. Next time you fly, try this:

Close your eyes when the airplane is close to landing. Keeping them closed, try to anticipate the moment when the landing gear touches the pavement. You’ll begin to notice even the slightest turbulence in your descent as the plane drops steadily to the ground. You’ll start to think in each moment that the wheels are just about to touch. You’ll think you know exactly where you are and what’s happening, but the reality is you don’t.

I’m becoming strangely familiar with this feeling. I find myself imagining my own reality and living in that version of my life. I feel as if by reaching the halfway point in this journey I’ve somehow reached my peak and now I’m heading into the descent.

It has been 17 days since I’ve looked at myself in a mirror, washed my face, or worn makeup. In some ways, I feel incredibly free. I feel that the notion of my experiment somehow provides me with some sort of explanation to the world as to why I would be running around in a state that is generally considered “unacceptable” by modern standards. In other ways, however, I find myself lost in my own vulnerable state, counting the minutes until I can go home, get in bed and check one more day off the list.

To the experiment’s credit, the actual “regimen” is very easy to follow. When I chose to jump in and trust God, I felt as if I only had to make the decision once. I committed to doing this challenge in several ways. I began telling friends and family about it, which I found made the commitment more solid in my mind. I knew if other people were somehow “in on it,” I would have to make it through the full 30 days. I committed to God by listening to His assurance that this would change me in many ways. I committed to myself because I wanted to believe I could be more than my appearance. From there, I just simply avoided putting anything on my face.

I am able to get out of the house much faster these days and, although it is still often on my mind, I am able to put myself out there at work, church, and other functions and feel the empowerment in it. I am not always comfortable and I’m often wondering what the people I’m talking to are seeing on my face, but I’m slowly finding that I am letting go of it. The truth is, once I’m out, there is no running away to compulsively “throw my face on.” I don’t have that armor anymore and I have to keep going through my day without it. It feels truthful, as if I have been hiding my true self this whole time, disguising the way God actually created me, trying to change and alter the design of a perfect Creator. When I think of it that way, it is hard for my flesh to argue against the Spirit.

So maybe the lesson is just like flying. I’m not a qualified pilot, so I would have no idea how to fly a plane if you threw me in a cockpit. In fact, I’d probably mess quite a few things up trying to figure it out. Instead, I’m sitting in the main cabin with my eyes squeezed closed putting all my trust in the One who’s flying this plane. I can try to figure out where I am, what’s going on, and when I’ll touch ground, but the truth is only my Pilot knows.

The Day 10 Slump

If you've never heard of the "purging period" with acne treatments, you've probably never had real acne. In my case, I find that the purging is the worst during week 2 and, unfortunately, it seems to be the same with The Caveman. I'm not sure if it is this purging period or the fact that the longer I go without the mirror, the more out of control I feel, but the past few days have been pretty rough.

Now that a lot of people know about my experiment, they seem eager to check in with me. This can be nice at times and often makes me feel like I have a great support group around me. However, during the past few days, it gets a little humiliating to have to put your spots out there to the people who basically want to examine your face to see if it is "working." Of course, I try to explain that I believe I'm in a purging stage, but most people don't understand that when they've never had serious acne. Needless to say, going to work this week has been a struggle and I find I'm fighting the urge to look in the mirror more often than before.

Conversely, I'm pretty grateful for the "no-mirror" rule because I can try to tell myself if I'm not seeing it, maybe it isn't there. I know that sounds weird, but I've spent a lot of time this week trying to replace the image in my mind of what I think I really look like. I try to imagine an image of myself completely clear and happy, without a spot to worry over. I've been reading a lot about how emotional health can effect treatment, so I've been trying to come up with smart ways to keep out of my Week 2 Slump as much as I possibly can.

Here are a few ideas I've either come up with or found online:

-read the Bible and pray often to seek God for hope, inspiration and help
-watch a lot of comedy
-smile and laugh as often as possible
-try to talk about other subjects that don't have to do with the experiment
-keep busy with work and home projects to keep my mind off of it
-(probably my favorite) when you feel a really low, stubborn mood, think of something that makes you laugh uncontrollably
Side Note: Once I spilled a water bottle all over myself while I was driving home from a long day. My response was a really slow and awkward, "Ooooh yummy..." as I wiped myself off. For some reason, every time I think of this, I can't help but burst out into laughter.
Yesterday, while in a really stubborn and grumpy mood, I was grabbing some Q-tips to refill my container and my hand hit the inside of the cabinet knocking a big pile of them onto the floor. How did I react? With a really angry, "Ohhh GEEEZ!" I paused for a moment and then repeated it in a squeaky voice like a 12-year-old kid in a 50's movie and began laughing hysterically.

So, in the spirit of laughter, here are some of my favorite YouTube videos:






DISCLAIMER: I know some of these aren't as clean as others, but I believe God has a sense of humor. :)

Wrapping Up Week 1

I had a feeling when I began this experiment that Week 1 would be the hardest part. I somehow knew inside that if I could just make it through my first week, the rest of the month would follow. Now, I can't truthfully say if that is actually the case because I still have to go through Weeks 2, 3 and 4 to really know; but I can say wrapping up Week 1 is a huge relief.
Oh, the highlights of Week 1...
Let's start with the most embarrassing, shall we?
So, throughout my first week without mirrors, washing or makeup; my sweet husband has become my walking mirror. As I prepare to leave for work, I flash him a big, "eyes-squeezed-tight" smile so he can check my teeth and I hand him a few Q-tips to knock any dead skin off my face that seems to be just barely hanging on. However, on a couple of these occasions, he will notice something else.
Now, before I go any further, I'd like to say that there are definitely a few marriage-changing events in a lifetime that will dramatically alter a relationship (pregnancy, childbirth, and maybe the first time one of you decides to pee with the door open). However, I will say that what happened this week was something I would have never predicted.

Ok, so here it is...

He popped my zit. That's right, my husband is now my esthetician.
Okay, so I know it sounds nasty, but think of what this poor man is going through! If anyone is going to be honest and tell me what I really look like, it has to be him!
So apparently, I had a blemish--I say blemish because I don't want to keep typing zit over and over and feel worse about myself--and it seemed quite ready to leave me. He was so cute about it! He was looking at my skin up close and right as his eyes grazed over my chin, he said softly, "Oh..." and of course I panicked and said, "What?" He paused, and then said in almost a friendly, sing-song way, "That one's reeeadyyy."

Okay, now pause.

This week, I took it upon myself to read Stop Picking on Me, an online book meant to education severe "skin-pickers" into eventually stopping this terrible habit. To describe it quickly and efficiently, it's sort like "Red Asphalt" for pickers.

Okay, now back to my lovely blemish.
So, because I had been reading Stop Picking on Me, I was hyper-aware of the consequences of "taking action" against my chin. Without sounding too panicked, I asked if maybe by some miracle he could just lightly knock-off the top of my blemish. He began to oblige and as he rolled the Q-tip across my chin, I could actually feel the impurities come slipping right out...painlessly.
Yeah, okay, TMI, but this whole experiment is about exposure! I mean, I can't hide it under makeup, I can't examine it in a mirror, and I'm not really running my fingers across it because I'm not putting anything on it! The only way I can describe this is through feel. --and hey, it didn't feel like we were digging or doing anything detrimental to my skin, it just felt like we were releasing what needed to be released. The best part about it is we've been able to laugh a lot about this "new step" we have taken in the relationship.

Okay, moving on to less "yucky" subjects.
As far as the psychological aspects of the process, I'm finding that God is doing a huge work in me. I'm beginning to feel a certain kind of freedom that I don't think I've experienced since I was a child. It is like I know I have no control, so I can't hold onto that anymore. I do what I need to do and I accept that no matter what I look like, this is where I am right now. I'm in a process of healing and I really enjoy it.
I've also had a lot of opportunity to share with friends from work about my experiment and, in turn, a little about God. I like to slip in there that I believe in God and his design. I like to tell people I'm leaving this whole "skin debacle" up to Him because I know He has the power to deal with it much better than I can. --and amazingly, people really seem invested in this with me! I feel like God has placed a support system around me that I didn't even know I had before this! People come and ask me how it is going and ask to look at my face and I just let them right in. I feel so liberated. I don't have to hide behind this "problem" anymore. I've just opened up and let the whole world into my healing process and it honestly feels beautiful.

So here we are... one week in and so much to share. :)
See you again in a few days!

End of Day 2 Thoughts

I started off today feeling pretty good.
The husband and I went to church and, although I felt pretty self-conscious walking in, the service was amazing. I began to hear God's encouragement in everything. From the songs we sang to the message we heard, I just knew He was reaching out to tell me not to worry because He's got this.

Some of the main points of the message that really hit me today were:
-He is working to break down our barriers. I have recently come to understand that one of my biggest barriers in my life is VANITY. From a very young age, I found myself checking things in the mirror more and more often to try to project the most "flawless" image possible. I would be embarrassed if I could actually tell you how many hours of my lifetime have been wasted in front of that stupid mirror.
-We do not labor in vain. God has planned our paths for us and all we have to do is take that first step in faith. The only way I can get through this experiment is with the help of God.

So, as far as my thoughts on the experience so far, it has been interesting. I've had to go to work both of these days without looking into a mirror beforehand. I basically put an outfit on, brushed my hair, and hoped for the best. The thing is, once I'm at work, there's nothing I can do to change my situation. I must put my face in front of people and do my job, so why bother breaking down over it? I'm not saying it is easy, it is actually really hard to feel like myself. I'm really trying to work through this, though. I've found that the more I laugh and smile, the more my anxieties over what people might be "looking at" are eased.
I will say that I'm very lucky to work with such sweet and supportive people. All of the coworkers I've told about my experiment have been really supportive of it. Many of them have tried to assure me that I don't look hugely different without my makeup. (Yeah right... but thanks, guys. :))

Some online people who have encouraged me are:
-Tara, a girl who has tried everything just like me.
-This girl who curses a lot, but makes me laugh... and has a point.

Well, that's all for now. I'll update again in a day or two.
I'm 1/15th of the way there! haha

Welcome to My Purity Pursuit

Hello, Friends.

Welcome to The Anti-Mirror Experiment, home of my own personal pursuit of purity.

Here you'll find blog posts documenting my journey to live as purely as possible.

About 2 months ago, I was in prayer and I felt as though God was leading me to pursue a path of purity. It has taken me a while to really discover what I think this means, but, in a nutshell, it has led me on this path of pursuing purity in every aspect of my life.
For example, after about 8 years, I've stopped taking birth control pills (which is scary for more than one reason), I quit using prescription skin medicines on my face (Differin and Clyndamycin gel), and I've stopped eating foods that make me feel TERRIBLE.
I'm working on deepening my yoga practice, spending more time outside, non-judgmental meditation, waking up and spending time with God in His Word, and trying to learn and follow who I believe God made me to be.

While journeying down this path, I came across a few unsettling side-effects. I developed a facial rash all around my mouth and near my eyes. It looked like bumps underneath red, flaky skin. I later discovered it was something called Perioral Dermatitis, which can be caused my many factors, including hormone changes. I began to think about how unhealthy birth control pills must be for you if they could cause such a reaction so quickly. After about two months of trial and error on several natural options, I finally discovered a routine that seemed to be healing and improving my rash. For about a week, I was so thrilled to watch my nemesis disappear! Manuka honey laced with Neem oil, Cucumber/Aloe Alcohol-free Witch Hazel, and California Baby Sensitive Skin Diaper Rash cream were going to be my new best friends! ...right?
Unfortunately, just as I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, I noticed that everywhere I had treated my rash had begun to develop acne! The oils in my rash treatment had gotten rid of the rash, but clogged my pores and caused the return of that old problem I've been so familiar with. Trying to keep calm, I eliminated the neem oil and diaper rash cream from my routine and hoped for the best.
It has now been about a week and a half and, although I can see a little improvement, I find that I'm still obsessing over healing my face and somehow freeing myself from all of these pesky problems.
Then this morning I had an idea. A while back, while looking up natural alternatives, I discovered a skin routine called the Caveman Regimen. The idea is you don't wash, tone, moisturize, or really do ANYTHING to your face. I had originally planned on trying out this method, but kept thinking I should wait until I felt my skin was more acceptable to bear in public without any makeup. However, I realized this morning that God doesn't want me to do what is easy and comfortable for me at this very moment. This should be about growth... and isn't growth really only possible through some sort of discomfort? I mean, when it comes to God, I feel like He works so well in my life when I've come to a place of faith in Him and brokenness in myself. So I don't want to wait until this is easier or more comfortable because I believe God wants to heal me. I believe He wants to heal my skin, yes, but I also believe He wants to heal my psyche. I believe He wants me to worry about doing His work rather than worry about if all my spots are covered perfectly. If you think about it, isn't that the way humans were made? We weren't supposed to obsess over being as perfect as possible and, for that matter, if I believe in God and the purity of His own design, wouldn't that mean my skin should know how to deal with itself?
Long story short, the discovery of this seemingly-radical skincare routine has led me to believe that this might be the most pure answer I could find! Therefore, I believe a big part of my Purity Pursuit will be dedicated to my journey with the Caveman Regimen.

So here we go with the basics:
-Your skin has something called an "acid mantle" that helps protect and regulate itself. While we may think we are helping ourselves out by using all kinds of skincare "treasures," we are actually stripping off our natural barrier against bacteria and infection.
-Because we have all messed with our faces so much, it is said that your skin can regenerate and balance itself back out after about a month of the Caveman Regimen. So just like anything else, it won't fix everything over night.
-People report something called a "dead skin mask" that develops to protect their faces as the skin strives to re-balance and repair what has been done to it for so long. It is basically a build-up that your skin naturally produces during its efforts to get you back on track.
-Although I've read of people taking on different approaches to this regimen, I've decided that this will include not wearing makeup anymore. It is really scary for a girl who has been using beauty products as a crutch for about 8 years of my life. This video talks a lot about the issues many women have with getting rid of their makeup routines. (Tracy is also the author of the blog where I discovered the Caveman Regimen.)
-Because of my choice to quit with the makeup, I've also decided it would be beneficial if I avoided mirrors during the experiment. My husband and I went out this morning and picked up some black poster board and a notepad of colorful paper and he covered up the bathroom mirrors for me while I thought up inspirational mantras and found verses about courage in the Bible. I then posted them all over the black background to help encourage myself on this journey. I'm sure the board will be completely full by the end of the month. :)

-Lastly, just to clarify, some people do this regimen but still splash their faces with water once or twice a day. I have chosen to follow in Tracy's footsteps and try not to touch water to my face at all during this first 30 days. I want to give my skin the best chance I can to rebuild its acid mantle without any disruptions.

Anyway, I'll be documenting this journey and other pursuits of purity right here for everyone to see! Thank you for stopping by and I hope you find my discoveries enlightening, intriguing, or at least interesting. :) See you soon!